It's Your Birthday And Learn To Celebrate It The Way You Want

Each birthday is a high point of the year when you're a kid— your own special day, with cake, ice cream, a band, and presents. And one day you're the absolute star. The milestones matter as you get older — ages 18, 21, 30, 40 and so on through the decades. As these numbers increase, some feel an overwhelming need to avoid this most personal and significant holiday, all of their own, while others enjoy each one to the fullest. As Abraham Lincoln said, "And at the end of the day, it's not the years in your life that count, it's the joy in your years."

Historically, only emperors and saints— you know, the big ones— held birthdays, "said William J. Doherty, the University of Minnesota's professor of family social science.

Wealthy Catholic parents started celebrating the birthdays of their children in the 1830s, and the practice trickled down to the masses, according to Elizabeth H. Pleck's book, "Celebrating the Family: Ethnicity, Consumer Culture and Family Rituals." By the 1950s, the traditional birthday party was an informal affair: some cake, some ice cream. That was pretty much it. There definitely wasn't an emphasis on presents, Doherty said.

Birthday parties underwent a glow-up in the 1980s as family entertainment centers proliferated– bowling alleys, roller skating rinks, arcades, etc. Families were encouraged to throw on-site celebrations, Pleck wrote. Suddenly, there were multiple parties for kids: one with the nuclear family, one with an extended family, one with friends at school.

"This is the one day in the year that an adult can be celebrated as a person and they can see themselves as getting their special day, "Doherty said, who founded Birthdays Without Strain, an informal community of parents and experts in St. Paul, Minnesota, who are exploring ways to reduce the tension, financial burden and waste associated with birthday parties for children. "In an individualistic culture like ours, that's a big deal."

Not that all birthdays should feel exactly the same for you, of course. You may be more excited about throwing a party or planning an outing with loved ones for some years. Several years you through feel hated about an impending age or pressure to enjoy the day. Here are some alternative ways to view the planning— joyful, even—.

Think About the Gathering, Not the Event

Priya Parker thinks that when it comes to planning their birthday celebration more people should change their thinking. The founder of "The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters" warns us not to be too focused on the gathering (a trendy restaurant dinner party, a casual neighborhood bar meeting). We should instead recognize a need we have in our lives, and who can help us to meet it.

"Because it's insecure, when you invite particular people to come and discuss a real need you have, that's really a courageous act," the author said. "Two, you say,' I need help,' but two of you say' and you can support me.'"

On your birthday, if you are seeking adventure, invite the daredevils in your life to join you for, say, a skydiving lesson. Your birthday plans will not only be more meaningful to you, but your guests will feel honored that you have thought of them to help you celebrate.

"That is infectious how we spend our time," Parker concluded. "Part of the power it gives other people incentive to do the same is to do something different."

Question yourself What is it that brings you joy?

When it came to organising his birthday celebration this year, Ernest Owens, 28, a Philadelphia Magazine writer-at-large, asked himself what true joy looked like and felt like. It seemed like staying at a fancy hotel to him; it looked like eating delicious food with friends in a nearby steakhouse; it looked like a glamorous date with his girlfriend.

Owens, who lives in Philadelphia, planned all of his birthday weekend celebrations. He made it a point not to worry about the work and enjoy his friends ' service.

"It really matters to me, particularly as a young, queer guy, because I know a lot of people in my life can't make it to this era," said Owens.

Here are four alternative ways to celebrate your birthday— like returning and arranging a stay at a nice hotel. (The New York Times / James O'Brien)

Do something good to others

"What if birthdays were less about getting things, getting drunk, growing older and making the world a better place?" That's the Birthday Project's issue. The Birthday Project, founded by Robyn Bomar, 47, nine years ago, is a project that encourages people to give back to their community on their birthday. The notion was borne out by Bomar's reluctance to celebrate her 38th birthday. In an attempt to change the day's resources, she decided to do 38 acts of kindness for other people, such as giving out water bottles to joggers and feeding parking meters— one compassionate gesture for every year of her life.

On your birthday, she hopes to do something for someone else becomes the standard, on the same level as receiving a gift, blowing candles or noshing on the cake. "Nineteen million people all over the world share a birthday every day. If everyone on their birthday did only one nice thing for someone, it would create a change in the world," Bomar said.

Doing nice things to usher in your big day for other people is satisfying, because the day is not just about who showed up, or what you did or didn't get for your birthday. It becomes about the impact you're making, she said, and the ripple that it creates.

"You're going to bed the night of your birthday and you're just feeling like you might make a difference or that you made a difference," she said. "I think when you get older what we really want is to know that what we're doing here is still important."

Gray believes that the biggest reason most people don't plan birthday parties is because it can seem narcissistic to congratulate, well, yourself for being born: "I'd encourage them to think about the opportunity that your birthday party provides to put your friends together."