Diving into relationship struggles: A psychoanalytic perspective

Dr C Veerender A highly qualified young couple was brought to therapy by their parents with a complaint: he beats her every day, abuses her with foul language, and mistreats her. He doesn’t spend quality time with her, always engrossed in his mobile phone, watching movies, cricket, and reels for hours on end. He is excessively critical, especially about things that must be placed exactly as he desires, showing no tolerance for deviation. Additionally, he justifies his regular drinking by claiming it’s essential for socializing with his peers and ensuring business success and financial progress.

Despite this, she acknowledges that he respects her when she fulfills her duties and maintains good relationships with her friends. However, she finds the abuse and physical violence intolerable, contemplating leaving the relationship. If the arguments between the couple escalate to obsessive fights and result in significant physical altercations and verbal abuse in the presence of the child, it further highlights the harmful impact this environment can have on the child’s well-being and upbringing.

The relationship day experiences a roller coaster. Every day you will have good and bad days. The morning feels like everything is going fine, and you think how fortunate you are. By evening, when you have a rough patch, immediately your mind says… wife is sharing her agony, and her mind says she must come out of this wedlock. Otherwise, the kid may face a lot of problems, he may be spoiled, and I need to talk to my parents and a lawyer.

From a psychoanalytic perspective, a husband constantly pointing out his wife’s mistakes could stem from various underlying psychological factors:

1. Projection: This psychoanalytic defense mechanism suggests that individuals attribute their own unacceptable thoughts, feelings, or traits to others. The husband might be projecting his own insecurities, faults, or unresolved issues onto his wife, finding fault in her to avoid confronting his own shortcomings.

2. Unconscious Dynamics: According to psychoanalytic theory, behaviour might be influenced by unconscious motives or unresolved conflicts. The husband’s constant criticism could be a manifestation of unresolved conflicts or experiences from his past, leading to an unconscious need to assert control or superiority over his wife.

3. Role of Childhood and Parental Relationships: Psychoanalytic theorists often emphasize the influence of early childhood experiences and parental relationships. The husband’s behaviour might mirror dynamics from his childhood, where criticism or control was prevalent in his family environment. He might unconsciously replicate these patterns in his current relationship.

4. Inferiority or Superiority Complex: The constant need to point out flaws could be a result of feelings of inferiority or superiority. The husband might feel inadequate, leading to a need to elevate himself by criticizing his wife. Alternatively, he might have an inflated sense of superiority and uses criticism as a means of asserting dominance.

5. Communication of Unmet Needs: In some cases, constant criticism might be the only way the husband knows how to communicate his unmet emotional needs or desires within the relationship. Criticizing the wife might be an indirect expression of his need for attention, validation, or support.

One can work on that relationship with the following methods:

• Open Communication: Transparent confession and sharing what they feel and think by the couple is crucial for understanding the underlying reasons behind the criticism.

• Empathy and Self-Reflection: Both partners need to practice empathy and acknowledge each other’s feelings and perspectives. Additionally, the husband should self-reflect on his motivations and triggers for criticizing.

• Meeting a psychologist: This will help the couple to recognize their issues and help them to bring harmony.

(Dr C Veerender, counselling psychologist (www.younme.co)