Loving & convincing difficult people

Are we supposed to simply overlook other people’s faults and idiosyncrasies? Right relationships with difficult people can seem like an impossible standard to reach. In this regard, the Apostle Paul offers a very practical advice “If possible, so far as it depends upon you, be at peace with all men.” But I would like to paraphrase that verse: Do the best you can to get along with everyone. Yet realize that once in a while you are going to have a relationship with a difficult person that may fall short of the ideal.

We all come across people with whom we do not have an ideal relationship or feel after a casual or formal chat that having this person in the list would be quite difficult and troublesome. But sometimes either the person is too important to ignore or he is already in your circle. Handling such difficult person needs extra strategy and different solution.

However, handling a difficult person is not a very difficult task if we proceed scientifically. The principle of three Ps should be our stepping stones. These are –

Perspective – First we have to analyse our own viewpoint regarding others as well as ourselves. How do I see myself? How do I see others? How do others see me? It would be entirely our perspective that would determines how far our relationships will develop. As they say – I act as I see myself. It is impossible to behave in a manner that is inconsistent with the way we see ourselves. We transfer our negative emotions to others and we see other one as we are. Bible says, “Love your neighbor as yourself” because if we truly love ourselves, we would also love our neighbor. It is perspective that helps build relationships.

Criticising someone is very easy but that way we cannot build relationship. A survey reveals that highly successful people see only the good in others. Not surprisingly, it is the common denominator that binds successful together. And it is easy because you cannot choose how others will treat you, but you can certainly choose how you will respond to others.

Process – We have to understand the stages of a relationship? It is never linear. So ask yourself - Do you realize there are some stages in a relationship that are more crucial than others? And do you know the stages? Remember stages differ from person to person.

Problems – Are you aware of the real issue? When facing difficulties in a relationship, how do you handle them? There are several types of difficult people. To deal with them effectively it is required to identify their common traits. Let us consider one of the common traits we notice every other day - a person who runs over everything because he or she has a tendency to intimidate others. The reason? The attitude: “I’m right and you are wrong.” Such person’s behavior is aggressive and even hostile and they intimidate through sheer force and power. Suppose you come across such person whom you can’t take the risk to ignore as he is quite important for your success what all the options you have? It is very difficult to sit down and reason or rationalize with such character. We can call them, The Adamants.

Now the strategy to deal with The Adamants - First identify his importance, his influence on others and the issue that he can derail. If the issue is important and he can influence a sizable number of people in the organization and the negativity could be crucial, then the person has to be dealt with. You have to stand up firmly to this person, be direct, look face to face and confront. Remember, there is no easy way around these people because you cannot win their loyalty by tactfulness.

These are heartless people and they get a sadistic pleasure knowing fully well they are wrong. So they can afford to be unreasonable. You can correct someone who is ignorant but if someone knows he is incorrect yet says he is right, you have no option but to raise your hands up. Here is a caution - if you feel the issue is insignificant and it is just a matter of pride then it is not worth the battle. Ignore the person and influence others too to ignore him. The best way is to outcast his existence. Once they can be made to feel outcast and inadequate there is a chance of introspection. After all they alone can take corrective action for their attitude.

(Writer is recipient of Bharat Gaurav Award in British Parliament & National President, International Chambers of Public Relations)