Understand person’s object relationship

We were in a relationship for more than five years; then we got married for four years; my husband got angry and slapped me, then he asked me to forgive, for every 4/5 months it happened, and many times this issue went to the parents. They compromised us to continue our relationship, but it keeps on happening. He says it was automatic, not intentional. Otherwise, he is fine with me in all areas. What should I do to help him overcome this anger/behaviour issue? How to make him better?

Swapna, Hyderabad.

Dear Swapna. Thanks for mailing your issue.

If a person has a habit of taking misdirected anger out on their loved ones, it may be due to the inability to address the situation that is provoking anger. This is a defence mechanism called “displacement.” Taking offence to a loved one might provide a small moment of relief, but it will not solve the real issue and brings double trouble and may lead this crisis to an unexpected level.

We need to understand your husband’s “object relationship”, The first “object” in an individual is usually an internalised image of the mother. Internal objects are formed by the patterns in one’s experience of being cared for as a baby, which may or may not be accurate representations of external caretakers. Later experiences can reshape these early patterns, but objects often exert a strong influence throughout their lives.

Some of the situations, particularly the way of using certain words, behaviours and expressions, may trigger the traumatic experience of the past, which may make your husband feel unsafe and threatened. We need to understand these triggers. Why this trigger making him respond to that in unhelpful behaviour? What is the trigger? A trigger is when you become physically or emotionally reactive to something related to the trauma you have experienced. These symptoms and feelings are part of your brain’s natural response to unsafe experiences from the past. You need to understand these triggers properly; when your husband is in anger, he might have warned you out of anger, “don’t say these words to me”. We need to understand he is trying to protect his territory of the safe zone; if you ignore his effort to control his area, he is resorting to hitting you to take control of his desired territory of respect. Follow the below steps to help him to come out of unhelpful behaviour

1. Better to avoid those triggering judgement words about him which are similar to his mother’s words.

2. Be empathetic with him whenever there is an emotional situation.

3. Show him respect and empathetic conversation; show him this article.

4. Take him to a therapist to resolve the issue to continue your married life in harmony.

Whenever there is an issue between wife and husband, we need to check the attachment style of spouses with their parents. The impact and the relationship pattern in childhood will repeat throughout our life. If we can understand this, we can resolve most of the issues. I appreciate your concern about solving your husband’s issue.

(The writer is a counselling psychologist, www.younme.co)