Phone De-ad Services

I've got a brilliant business plan,' said Subbu. 'A billion dollar idea.'

'What's that?' I asked.

'See,' whispered Subbu. 'People are getting more and more involved with their mobile phones and neglecting work, families and themselves right?'

'So?'

'We start a phone de-addiction centre,' he said. 'The first in the world. Phone De-ad Services.'

'De-addiction from phones? How?'

'Gently,' said Subbu. 'Considering how possessive people are about their phones, we need a strong reason for them to give it up. Naturally, I named our basic service as Productivity Improvement for the Nation. This is how it works. Suppose your boss thinks you're checking your mobile too frequently and it's affecting your work, he calls us. Our people arrive at whatever time you are entering office, carefully take your phone away from you, and replace it with a lollipop. They will return your phone after office hours every day.'

'What?' I gasped.

'No force, purely voluntary,' said Subbu. 'You must understand that, mobile phones are about trust. When you hand over your phone to us, you're saying you trust your employer, your nation. You're sacrificing your phone for the nation's productivity. And if you don't, you're saying you are not with us, with the nation.'

'When did you become the nation?' I asked.

'Because I said it first,' said Subbu. 'That's how it works. Anyway, we also have a Family and Society Improvement service. Families are not spending enough time together thanks to mobile phones. In fact, thanks to the mobile phones they seem to be spending time with other families. By choosing our Mobile-De-ad Breakfast, Dinner, Weekend, Vacation Packages, you spend quality time with your family and finally get to know them. Which may or may not be a good idea.'

'And families will sign up for this service?' I asked.

'Yes,' said Subbu. 'If the family is not together, our society and nation get affected. So we need to correct our families from going on wrong paths…or wrong networks in this case.'

'Aren't you intruding into people's lives under the guise of productivity and society?' I asked.

'Not really,' he said. 'We're only giving you an opportunity to show your love for the nation by signing up. If you don't, maybe there's something you're hiding. We may need to investigate. You'll sign up, won't you?'

'Err…how much do you charge?' I asked.

'It's free, yaar' said Subbu. 'We want everyone to prove their patriotism without taxing their pockets.'

'How will you make your billions then?' I asked.

'Well,' said Subbu. 'We have a subsidiary service which supplies your phones back to you secretly when you are in dire need to conduct any secret transactions. Without informing your boss or your family of course. That comes with a hefty premium. Our customer service will help you with that.'

'So, you basically take our phones away and give them back at a premium?'

'Only to help the nation,' said Subbu. 'You should see how happy people are when they get their phones back. We want nothing more than to contribute to our nation's happiness.'

'Why are you doing this really?' I asked.

'All for the nation's good yaar,' said Subbu. 'We are a complex society with many evolving needs. For instance, we want to meet the needs of interested parties like jealous girlfriends, wives, bosses, competitors who suspect you are secretly accessing your phone. Those services cost a bomb too. There are many ways to serve the nation. But mum's the word right now, get it?'

'Mummy!' I screamed, tucked my phone deep into my pocket, and scrammed.