Making Healthy Relationships is Hard

We conduct our relationships based on how things should be or have been

Relationships in the modern-day come with their own set of challenges and complications. We are exhilarated by the early stages of love, but as we move onto the general grind of everyday life, personal baggage starts to creep in and we can find ourselves floundering in the face of hurt feelings, emotional withdrawal, escalating conflict, insufficient coping techniques and just plain boredom. There's no denying it: making and keeping happy and healthy relationships is hard.

We choose a mate for reasons that are more with what we think, than how we feel. We conduct our relationships based on how things should be or have been. This is exactly where we go wrong. We don't lose at love because we let our emotions run away with us, but because we let our heads run away with us.

There is no one, single cause for relationship problems, several factors can play a part. People think they're in love for many reasons—lust, infatuation, desire for security, status, or social acceptance. They think they've found true love because the current prospect fulfills some image or expectation. But unless they know how they feel, their choice is destined to be wrong. The evolving landscape of technology means we are connected – sometimes intensely and continuously – with many more people than before. Technology also means that the very definitions of infidelity have broadened. Emotional infidelities are increasingly an issue; entire affairs are played out online; intense relationships – which may or may not blur the line on friendship – flourish via the intimacy of the text message exchange.

Patterns of behaviour can be important signs that a relationship is at risk. Interactions that include disrespect, defensiveness, criticism, or 'stonewalling' (putting up a barrier to communication) are signs that a relationship is in crisis. Seeing the relationship or the other person through a negative 'lens' can lead to placing more weight on negative events than on the positives, when they occur.This pattern can lead to more conflict or withdrawal.

A toxic relationship may negatively impact your mental health. It can make you feel insecure or bad about yourself, leave you feeling drained and unhappy, it places pressure on you to change something about yourself or may even be physically and emotionally harmful. Beyond the mental health implications, the effects of being in a bad relationship can impact your health.There may be physical repercussions, too, primarily in the form of stress on your body. Constant tension or serious conflicts in a relationship can keep your body in fight-or-flight mode all the time, spurring your body to produce adrenaline and quickly discard the excess. This can eventually lead to fatigue, a weakened immune system and even organ damage.

Whilst stressful events can have a negative impact on a relationship, they can also help to develop strong coping skills within the couple. Successfully coping with small stressors early in the relationship can lead to increased knowledge and confidence in managing future difficulties.The ability to listen to and understand the other person's point of view and emotional experience, share one's ownthoughts and experience with one's partner, and engage in problem-solving together are also characteristics of rewarding and successful relationships. These qualities help couples not only to overcome life stress together but also to strengthen their relationship through good times and bad.

The relationships we form as children and young people are predictors of our future mental health and wellbeing. They remain important throughout our life. In terms of physical health, the quality of our relationships is as critical as not smoking and is more important than eating well or exercising.For our mental health, having few close relationships has been linked to higher rates of depression and stress. However, as we get older, relationships often get forgotten as life gets busier with work and commitments.

We need a sea change in thinking. Instinctively, we recognize that relationships are important. However, for many of us, our approach to building and maintaining relationships is passive – it is something we do subconsciously and without deliberate effort. We often overlook that it requires an investment of time to maintain good relationships. In parallel, when it comes to keeping physically well, we recognize that exercise and eating well require commitment and dedication – until good habits become second nature. We need to adopt a similar approach to building and maintaining good relationships.

- Sneha George,

Counselling Psychologist,

Fortis Malar Hospital