Good Report Diagnostic Centre

I've got a smashing new business idea,' said Subbu excitedly. 'It's a sure winner.'

'What?' I asked.

'Everybody's worried about their health these days,' said Subbu. 'Even if my gardener offers a free check up people are queuing up to get checked. All people talk about is their BP, sugar and other readings. I'll start diagnostic centres for them.'

'But diagnostic centres are everywhere,' I said. 'What's new?'

'Those are normal diagnostic centres,' said Subbu. 'They are not healthy for my clients.'

'What do you mean?' I asked.

'See, most of my potential clients are unhealthy,' said Subbu. 'A visit to normal diagnostic centres reveals their true picture which is scary for them. They can't handle the truth.'

'So?' I asked.

'They can come to us instead,' said Subbu. 'My diagnostic centres offer two options - both of which are extremely healthy. The first is called Good Reports Diagnostics.'

'What's a good report diagnostic centre?' I asked.

'Well, if you are too scared to look at real reports, come to us and get your tests done,' said Subbu. 'We will run the tests and you can collect your reports in the evening.'

'What's good about it?' I asked.

'Arre, our reports are good reports,' said Subbu. 'They will give you perfect results in all tests. Perfect blood pressure, sugar, ECG, etc. Imagine how good you will feel when you see our reports? They are like a placebo – they look like real reports but have better effects.'

'But do you actually do any tests?' I asked suspiciously.

'We don't do anything,' said Subbu. 'That's the key. We act like we are doing something and merely print out good reports with perfect scores. All for your own good.'

'That's crazy,' I said. 'You're cheating people.'

'Arre,' said Subbu. 'Are movies cheating people? No. They make people feel good by giving them what they want no? When governments say everything is right when everything is not, is that cheating? No. It's all for our own good. And remember, our customers know in advance that they are getting good reports. They can even choose their readings – for extra cost. Apart from our name which is a clear giveaway – 'Good Report Diagnostics', we have a tag line, 'We only give good news!' We are truthful and upfront. We are an optimistic friend who tells you good things, for a small price. It's a noble thing.'

'Are you allowed to get away with this?' I asked.

'If people can buy into religion and governments, I don't see why Good Reports should be a problem,' said Subbu. 'It's a personal thing. See your perfect report, smile, go home and sleep happily with it under your pillow. In fact I think we should have good reports everywhere – education, economy, crime, stock market.'

'And people pay money for this?'

'People pay for all kinds of make-believe don't they?' said Subbu. 'Here you know you'll get a make-believe good report. You can make it yourself too.'

'What's the second idea?' I asked.

'That has a bigger market,' said Subbu. 'People love those reports. In fact they are willing to pay a premium for those reports.'

'What is it?' I asked.

'Scary Reports,' said Subbu. 'We give scary reports with very high readings even when things are normal. People love it. They want them framed. They love showing how messed up they are.'

'Dude, I get the feeling that these ideas have already been taken,' I said. 'At least on a wholesale basis.'

'By who?' asked Subbu perplexed..

'By governments across the world,' I said and walked away before he tested me.