How to keep your secret life juicy without burning bridges

Let’s be real, not every marriage ends with a bang. Some just quietly fade into oblivion behind finely filtered vacation photos. For most people, it’s not about hating their partner; it’s about disappearing. The emotional connection is declining. Physical chemistry? It barely exists. Touch becomes habitual, conversations become transactional, and somewhere between work deadlines and the morning run to school, intimacy disappears.

“When emotional needs and physical needs are unmet, some people find they become engaged in a ‘secret life’ — not necessarily full-blown affairs, but opportunities where they feel seen, heard, desired. Whether it’s a private online friendship, a hidden fling, or a secret relationship on the side — these ‘other lives’ become a vent for what the main relationship no longer offers.” says Sybil Shiddell, Country Manager, Gleeden

But how do you go about living this secret life without burning down the world?

Save The Drama for the Screen

Should you lead a double life, don’t let it become a Netflix thriller with cliffhangers and screaming fits. The real flex isn’t getting away with it — it’s being so unobtrusive, that no one is even nosy. Avoid people who are chaos junkies or seem to be auditioning for a reality show.

Be especially wary of partners who suggest “catching feelings” five minutes in, or announce that they ‘finally’ found something ‘real’ — those are signals to run. Wherever possible, keep your bounds tight. No meetups in public places, no potential run-ins with your friends of friends, no accepting each other’s Instagram requests, and no sentimental 2am voice notes! Everybody’s idea of a double life is THAT baggage. You perceive emotional discretion as cold attitudes, I perceive it as class. Drama is good for the screen, in life, it’ll cost everything.

Passwords Are Your Love Language Now

In the time of surveillance, screenshotting, and synced devices — one swipe and you’re about to be outed as a double-life lifestyler. Pick your digital hygiene as carefully as your skincare. Password everything and please God, do not make your anniversary date the passcode. Use messaging apps with disappearing messages. After you have finished with chats, archive instead of deleting (traditional receipts never change), and take two seconds to be sure you’re not accidentally sending heart emojis in an unwanted chat window.

Don’t Be Fooled by the Side Storyline

Sure, you’re saying all the right things. Sure, it all feels so exciting. But you need to be clear about something: what you are doing in this secret is an escape, not a replacement. It is totally natural to start to imagine what your life would be like if you just ditched it all and ran away with your side book to Goa or Greece. But that is fantasy speaking, not reality. Keep your feet on the ground when your head is in the clouds. Don’t blur the lines by allowing them to enter your own life or leaning on them for emotional rescue. It’s okay to romanticise the “what if” , just don’t go ahead and start writing a whole other sequel. You can enjoy the chapter you are in, but don’t let it reverse the entire book.

Emotional Exit Plan? Optional. Emotional Awareness? Required.

You don’t have to have an exit plan or a divorce lawyer present to justify a secret life, but you do need a clear conscience and heightened self-awareness. Why are you there? What void is this filling? Is it being wanted, being listened to, or simply being reminded of who you were when you weren’t someone else’s partner, parent, or provider? Once you realize your motives, you can avoid reacting to impulse. You will become less likely to self-sabotage or hurt others unnecessarily.