The Three Goddess Braid Shadows
“There needs to be mutuality in our friendship,” shared my friend as he told me why he wouldn’t undertake a values inquiry with me. I had known him for years, and also known him to suffer from a poor relationship with his work. However, every time I tried to engage in mapping him, I found resistance. Even when we were actually in the process. Finally, I asked him to review Chapter 4 and try it himself, as I so badly wanted him to connect with what lit his heart. He texted me at night that he had some insights about this. When we finally spoke, he opened up and told me that he had found the reason for the resistance. It was a power imbalance in the conversation. I am going to reflect on the shadows that can’t be ignored when one is working with light, as I do believe that shadows are also a great source of insight.
AWARENESS OF POWER IMBALANCES
As you start engaging with this material, I hope it opens up a lot of insight for you. Some of you might be very moved by it, enough to share it and offer assistance to map your friends. I want to sensitize you to the fact that when you enter this conversation with someone, it is one where there is a power imbalance. The listener is going in with an open heart, and the one being mapped is sharing intimate things from a vulnerable space. It goes without saying that trust is paramount. However, trust may not be enough. Friendship is not the same as therapy. Sure, friends may take turns holding space for each other, and may give and receive in different ways.But when you enter this conversation, it is important to recognize that it is possible to make the other person feel disempowered. They might have entered into the dialog because of the force of your personality, at a time when they are struggling to make sense of their world.
In my case, my friend was looking for me to reciprocate by sharing my angst with him, not solve his angst. I did not realize that the intention I was holding for him got into therapeutic spaces. One usually does not become friends with one’s therapist. It’s a professional relationship, and one accepts the power distance out of respect for the therapist’s expertise in holding space. I am not saying one should not map one’s friends. I am simply saying that if we must do so, it is important to let the friend know that this is a deep and intimate conversation for which the listener has to be viewed, not as a friend, but as a trusted space holder. Power will necessarily have been given by the person being mapped to the space holder from a space of trust. This is not a conversation that should be taken for granted. It is not the usual chit-chat we have with each other. It is almost, if I may say so, a sacred conversation that deserves respect and voluntary engagement. I have no problem holding that space for my friends when they request it. The shadow here is around jumping in to help my friends when they haven’t asked for it, and without an awareness of the power imbalance. The conversation above helped me realize that I need to call this out and become more aware of such power dynamics.
(From ‘Invaluable: Achieving Clarity on Value’, by Somik Raha, Publisher: The Write Order, price Rs 710)